var today_obj=new Date()
var today_date=today_obj.getDate()

var tips=new Array()
var tiptitle=''

tips[1]='Apple is pro-gay marriage, so if you own an iPod Touch, you better be thinking about what it\'s been touching. (10/30/08)'
tips[2]='Breaking news: It\'s official, Hillary Clinton\'s 2012 presidency is responsible for destroying the economy four years ago. (10/2/08)'
tips[3]='And nation I know stories, in college I spent two years undercover in the theater department to root out communists. (10/3/08)'
tips[4]='The only letter candidates used less often than \'g\' was \'W.\' (11/4/08)'
tips[5]='(Making fun of Fred Thomson) It\’s like that old saying: before you peach pick\’n, make sure your giblets are dry, your trout sac is brimm\’n, you whip the lumps out of your gravy, and don\’t let your sly eye ricochet off the silver in a hobo\’s pocket. (9/5/2008)'
tips[6]='I managed to see both the debate and a midnight showing of \'Nights in Rodanthe!\' Oddly enough, the debates and \'Nights in Rodanthe\' had exactly the same amount of sexual tention.'
tips[7]='I dream of a day when my children will live in a world without the shackles of cause and effect. (10/7/08)'
tips[8]='Stop playing fake zombies and get back to what you are supposed to be doing: playing fake lesbians and fade vegetarians. (10/8/08)'
tips[9]='Barack Obama got his ass handed to him. The only thing missing was Karl Rove dumping Gatorade over John McCain\'s head. (10/9/08)'
tips[10]='If you emerge holding the spider\'s prized amulet, which contains the veto pen, you then will truly be president of the United States. (11/05/08)'
tips[11]='It\'s called Presidents\' Day, and it honors our leaders the way the founding fathers intended: with a half-off sale at JC Penney. (11/5/08)'
tips[12]='You don\'t see President Bush invading people\'s personal space, unless they have oil. (11/10/08)'
tips[13]='We are like Paul McCartney. The earlier work was so good, we\’ll always be forgiven for the crap we do today! (10/10/08)'
tips[14]='By the way, if you\'re looking for a good read, might I recommend "Sexodus" by Leon Urine. (10/7/08)'
tips[15]='Whoever is imprisoning John McCain, we have to bust him loose! (10/15/08)'
tips[16]='She is an angel come straight from Heaven to save John McCain\'s campaign by using her wings to fan the flames of bloodthirsty crowds. (10/14/08)'
tips[17]='You know folks, if it is true the pen is mightier than the sword; (holds up his finger) then this is a bazooka. Tip of the hat, wag of the finger! (10/14/08)'
tips[18]='The Obama administration is making history once again by being the only place in America that is currently hiring. (11/18/08)'
tips[19]='If you start loving your enemies, pretty soon you\'re going to end up in a drum circle with Mahmoud Ahma-kumbayaejad. (11/18/08)'
tips[20]='I\'m so excited right now, I\'m sportinga yule log. (11/17/08)'
tips[21]='Rush knows how African-Americans think.  How else would he convince 100% of them not to listen to his radio show? (10/20/08)'
tips[22]='Evidently Minnie is sitting this election out.  She\'s still bitter over Hillary. (10/21/08)'
tips[23]='Stephen Jr., remember to tell your vulture friends to stay away from John McCain. He is still alive. (10/22/08)'
tips[24]='Like 9.11, no one could have seen this coming. Although, there was that memo entitles "Banking Industry Determined to Strike Within the US." (9/24/08)'
tips[25]='Oh no! I forgot I\'m delicious! (11/23/08)'
tips[26]='They play for a month, ad infinitum. One day it struck me -- someone must write \'em! (11/26/08)'
tips[27]='I want his next Aston Martin to have a specifically raised steering wheel to accommodate his thunderballs. (10/21/08)'
tips[28]='It has now been confirmed that this adorable little girl, we saw saying goodnight to Barack Obama. That little girl was in fact not the real Sasha Obama! We now have a picture of Barack Obama\’s actual daughter … Jimmy (a picture is displayed of the Chinese Girl) … That\’s right, so sad, it was actually that same hideous Chinese girl who was replaced in the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics… that girl is everywhere. (Cringes) August 28, 2008' 
tips[29]='This weekend Senetor John McCain and his vice-president running mate ... who am I kidding!? ... WE WON AN EMMY!! (9/22/08)' 
tips[30]='Senator McCain, you need to endorse Barack Obama. It would really make you look like a maverick. (10/29/08)' 
tips[31]='Apple is pro-gay marriage, so if you own an iPod Touch, you better be thinking about what it\'s been touching. (10/30/08)' 

document.write(tiptitle) 
document.write(tips[today_date])